Like… What would you say about a church leader who teaches that God permits homosexuality? What about pastors who’re silent about this issue? Or what about churches who’re always trying to “fix” those with same-sex attraction?

Along with other pressing questions, let’s talk about how to make the Church a safer place for people to come home to.

#TrueLoveIs

After being sexually abused, Sylvia constantly felt dirty. She also started to have a fear of men. Convinced that all men were bad, she found comfort and love in same-sex relationships.

But a simple prayer started her journey home. Watch how Sylvia experienced healing, forgiveness and reconciliation through the love of God and her colleagues who cared for her.

Raphael shares how his mentor Jason has been journeying with him. Will we love and listen to those God brings into our lives?

Having same-sex attraction is not the same as being gay. A person can experience different types of attraction toward another person, whether of the same or opposite sex. Not every form of attraction is necessarily sexual or erotic in nature. Therefore, experiencing same-sex attraction does not necessarily mean that a person is gay or lesbian.

Same-sex attraction can take several forms – it may not be sexual, such as in an adolescent crush; and may be experienced as involuntary – it appears to be something that “cannot be helped”. Innocent same-sex attraction can spring from a normal need for appropriate affection and affirmation from someone of the same sex whom one admires. On the other hand, same-sex attraction can also take on a sexual nature.

There are people who experience same-sex attraction, but who have chosen not to pursue their same-sex desires.

While same-sex attraction may not be chosen, one can choose whether or not to act upon one’s same-sex desires. There are people who experience same-sex attraction, but who have chosen not to pursue their same-sex desires. There are also same-sex attracted people who have chosen not to identify as gay.

Indiscriminate and excessive teasing – or even bullying – may push young people to misunderstand their gender identity.

Indiscriminate and excessive teasing – or even bullying – may push young people to misunderstand their gender identity. This may cause confusion over their sexual identity and orientation especially when innocent same-sex attractions become sexualised during puberty.

So when someone tells you they are attracted to someone of the same sex, it may not be helpful to immediately label them as gay or lesbian. Hear more from them about their story. Provide an understanding presence and a listening ear.

1. A sincere and humble attitude
This is a prerequisite to any discussion that you might have about your opposing views. Your friend may be experiencing same-sex attraction, and he or she may have tried to “change” his or her same-sex desires in the past, but those attractions persisted. Or your friend may be heterosexual and he or she witnessed homophobia and discrimination happening. Extend understanding towards their circumstances.

Don’t “win” the argument at the expense of losing the relationship.

2. Willingly listen to their point of view
Ask questions in a calm and gentle manner. Avoid being hostile and defensive, or aggressively arguing your beliefs. Your role or responsibility towards them is not to change their mind or ways. Don’t “win” the argument at the expense of losing the relationship. It is possible to maintain your stand against homosexuality without losing a “pro-gay” or gay/lesbian friend.

3. Acknowledge that neither party has all the answers
Prepare to respond to revisionist interpretation of key bible verses that refer to homosexuality. Stay flexible when discussing theories (e.g., biological basis of homosexuality or ability to change sexual orientation), yet firm when discussing your convictions. Be aware of the complex issues within the discussion.

...show them love by demonstrating acceptance and grace.

4. Offer genuine friendship
Instead of focusing your energies on arguing that they are morally or ideologically wrong, show them love by demonstrating acceptance and grace. They may expect you to dismiss or betray them at some point because of your differing stand. Show them unwavering love in such a way that even when you disagree with them on certain issues, they are still assured of your love toward them.

Teach your children a simple, four-part story of our world: God made a good world; people did not obey God and sinned; God forgives, saves and transforms those who follow Jesus Christ; and He will gloriously remake us and this world.

When children take in and process new information, they start from what they already know, connecting new information to their previous knowledge.

When children take in and process new information, they start from what they already know, connecting new information to their previous knowledge. Before your children are even aware of homosexuality, begin by giving them a biblical view of the world.

In other words, you are framing the issue for them by teaching them about God and His redemptive plan for humankind. You are providing your children with a basic understanding of the world in which we live. We always want to start with what’s good when talking about difficult subjects, so we begin by teaching about God’s plan for us and our sexuality. That gives us a foundation for then discussing any problem issues.

Find a good children’s Bible or Bible storybook and read it with your child. As they grow and learn, this framework provides the starting place for discussing issues such as homosexuality.

Creation

The Fall

Redemption

Glorification

Use simple Bible stories, such as the Creation story, to show how God made Adam and Eve for each other and created the first marriage.

Use simple Bible stories, such as the Creation story, to show how God made Adam and Eve for each other and created the first marriage. Use the story of Noah to show the animals, two-by-two, male and female, going into the ark. A mommy animal and a daddy animal together have a baby animal.

Also use examples from life to teach these truths, explaining, for example, that Mom and Dad were married—marriage is a good gift from God. When a child sees something bad, you might explain how sin brought pain into the world. When your children start noticing that boys and girls are different, use that to talk about God separating humanity into male and female. Life is full of such teachable moments!

Real-Life Scenario

Your family is spending time together during the school holidays. As you enjoy the sights, you notice that a gay pride event is taking place nearby. Your family starts to see same-sex couples holding hands. Your young son or daughter asks, “Why are those two men holding hands? Why are those two women kissing?”

Possible Responses

These depend on the age of the child, his or her level of concern about this scenario and his or her verbal and abstract ability:

Word Of Caution

At this age, you aren’t talking to your children about specific sexual activity; they’re not equipped to handle adult sexuality. Furthermore, we suggest waiting until kids are older before introducing terms such as “homosexuality,” “heterosexuality,” “gay,” “straight,” “LGBT” or any of its variants.

In addition, we also suggest not saying something like, “Those men are gay. Gay is when two guys like each other.” That’s confusing to boys, who at this age are developing a stronger internal sense of masculinity—primarily through distancing themselves from girls and identifying with and relating to other boys and men.

It’s very healthy and normal for a boy to have older boys and men who function as heroes or role models. Explaining homosexuality as “two guys who like each other” could prompt a young boy to doubt himself or his own feelings. He might think to himself, “I’m a boy and I like boys. Does that mean I’m gay?” Some children have come home from school lessons on homosexuality and asked this very question.

The same would absolutely apply to girls. We suggest you avoid such statements as, “Being homosexual or lesbian is when two girls like each other.” This takes what is a normal, healthy developmental stage—girls liking and connecting with each other or following older girls as role models—and equates it with homosexuality.

Setting the big picture about love, relationships and marriage will give your children a framework for thinking about these important issues. God has given humanity a number of good gifts, including marriage, love, friendship and family. As in the previous section, we want to start with God’s good intentions before discussing problems and sin.

Borrowing on C.S. Lewis’ ideas from The Four Loves, this would be a good age to explain to your children that there are different types of love:

Children can compare and contrast these types of love, and you could discuss the different types of responsibilities and activities associated with these different levels of relationship.

Marital love has purposes and characteristics that are distinct from other loves. As appropriate, talk to your children about these marital traits, including:

We all need God’s help setting our love in order.

Sadly, these good gifts from God are often misused because of human weakness and sin. Explain that, as part of humanity’s disobedience, love can be disordered, out of bounds or inappropriate.

Same sex marriage is one distortion of God’s design for human love. Two men in a ‘marriage’ relationship are missing something—the femininity of a woman. And two women who live as if they were married and raise a child together are depriving that child of the masculinity of a father in their home.

We all need God’s help setting our love in order. These various loves are designed to help lead us to the highest love—love for God. The good news is that through a relationship with Him, we can learn to love rightly, even loving those who don’t follow God’s plan.

Your children need to hear from you directly that they may safely talk to you about difficult issues.

Basic Concepts

Real-Life Scenario

Prepare your children to understand that not everyone has a Christian worldview, but we love and respect them.

You’re watching a television show on cable TV as a family. Your children are staring at the screen when the scene changes to two men holding hands while a pastor performs their wedding ceremony. Your children turn to look at you for a response.

Possible Responses

These depend on the ages of your children, their level of concern and their verbal and abstract ability:

Real-Life Scenario

Your 11-year-old daughter comes home from school. She is very quiet and seems upset. You ask what’s going on, and finally she blurts out, “Well, I was talking to Olivia at recess and some girls called us ‘les.’ What’s a ‘les’?” (Olivia is your daughter’s best friend.)

Possible Responses

Sadly, our hyper-sexualised culture is ready to steal innocence from children. And the rapid rise in visibility of homosexuality makes it all too easy for some to cast a shadow on the goodness and necessity of same-sex friendships. Same-sex friendships are a vital part of growing up, an integral part of the developmental process where girls identify and connect with other girls, and where boys connect and compete with other boys.

This is a stage where children may be hearing or seeing new homosexuality-related words from neighbours, classmates, television or social media. If you hear them using inappropriate language, this would be the time to explain that God loves all people and they are worthy of being treated kindly, so we don’t use unkind words. Words are powerful and can hurt people.

You might also ask your kids questions, “Where did you hear that word? What do you think it means?” Then, you might have a short, frank discussion about God’s design for healthy relationships and marriage. You can explain that those words describe things that go against God’s design.

Some older children, especially those who understand how reproduction takes place, may ask about the sexual activity of homosexual men and women. Of course, answering this question is up to your discretion, but we suggest reminding children that when a husband and wife unite sexually, they form a single reproductive unit; their bodies were made to fit together naturally. Same-sex couples can never form a reproductive whole. You might tactfully and carefully tell them that homosexual activity is fundamentally different from a marital union.

Word of Caution

We suggest not saying something like, “Those men are gay. Gay is when two guys like each other.” That’s confusing to boys, who at this age are developing a stronger internal sense of masculinity—primarily through distancing themselves from girls and identifying with and relating to other boys and men.

The same would apply to girls. We suggest you avoid such statements as, “Being homosexual or lesbian is when two girls like each other.” This takes what is a normal, healthy developmental stage—girls liking and connecting with each other or following older girls as role models—and equates it with homosexuality.

“Who am I and why am I here? Do I have a purpose which God will help me discover? Or do I get to create my own meaning for myself and life?”

If your kids are at this stage and you haven’t already taught them the big picture frameworks suggested previously in this resource, it’s never too late! The four-part story of humanity, different types of love and the unique characteristics of marriage are topics you can still discuss with older children. Secondary school students and those older should know and understand these basic truths.

But these young people are also able to deal with more abstract concepts. So as part of setting the framework for talking about homosexuality, it would be helpful to talk to your children about competing worldviews that attempt to define who we are, why we are here and where we derive our answers to those questions. Let’s set the stage by describing two competing worldviews.

The first comes from the Bible and historic Judeo-Christian teaching. It says that God designed us, and that He created us for a purpose—to love and know Him, to love and know others and to do good work in this world. We have intrinsic value and meaning that comes from being created in God’s image and likeness. The good work that we do includes creating and nurturing families.

We are given gifts by God—thought, reason, creativity, family, relationships, sexuality, imagination, feelings, words and more—and as we grow and connect with God and others, we grow in these gifts and in our discovery of who we are. We have meaning and purpose, which we discover with God’s help and begin living out.

Our bodies have purposes too, and when a husband and wife unite sexually, they form a complete reproductive system. Their union has the capacity to bring forth new life.

Our bodies have purposes too, and when a husband and wife unite sexually, they form a complete reproductive system. Their union has the capacity to bring forth new life. Homosexual unions lack this significant capability.

Scripture also teaches that God gives us the ability to make choices. But our freedom to make choices has been damaged and distorted by sin. Sin causes us to want, pursue and do things that aren’t good. And ultimately, freedom is lost as sin takes control. We are enslaved by sin—powerless and addicted, so to speak—and lose our ability to choose good. We are separated from God and unable to grow into all we were created to be. The good news is that Jesus opened the kingdom of God to all—including those under sin’s control. Because of His life, death, burial and resurrection, we may become His children, be free from sin and discover our purpose.

In the Jewish and Christian view, marriage between a man and a woman was not created by man or originated by the government, but is a gift from God, with family flowing from the joining together of a husband and wife.

In the Jewish and Christian view, marriage between a man and a woman was not created by man or originated by the government, but is a gift from God, with family flowing from the joining together of a husband and wife. Most societies have recognised the good of marriage between a man and woman and have set it apart as the best place for sexual expression and creating family. Family is the basic building block of society, because from it comes the next generation of citizens. And though, again, these good gifts have been marred by sin, God is in the process of redeeming them for those who follow Him.

On the flip side, there are those who believe and teach that there is no God, and “the only real meaning I have in life is what I choose. I don’t have a purpose or ultimate end; I can be whatever I want.” We define ourselves and give our lives meaning.

In this view, everything is up for grabs—the self, sexuality, marriage, family and children. So marriage can be redefined to be something that it’s never been before—two men or two women. Sexual relationships only have the meaning that I choose to give them. Culture or the individual gives parameters for sexual relationships, with the current ethos being, “I can do whatever I want, as long as no one gets hurt.”

In this non-biblical, human-centered view, sexual activity has been separated from marriage and procreation, and even from being a male-female union. It becomes more about seeking pleasure or self-fulfillment.

Even male and female can become whatever I choose, or I may choose to identify as and express myself as neither, both or something completely different. If gender is a social or personal construct, then I can be whatever I choose. That’s one reason why groups push for the abolition of “male and female” and “mother and father” from documents and language. Or online platforms may offer custom genders when people sign on.

Basic Concepts

Real-Life Scenario

Your brother, Mike, has come out to the family as gay and is bringing his same-sex partner to the upcoming family gathering.

Even though we don’t agree... we will treat them with kindness and respect.

Possible Responses

These depend on the ages of your children, their level of concern and their understanding of relationships and sexuality:

Real-Life Scenario

Your teenage daughter has a good friend, “Kevin,” who has just confided in her that he thinks he’s gay. She’s come to you with questions and is looking for advice and support.

Possible Responses

Your daughter needs to know that you are safe to talk to, and that you love and care for her. She also needs to know that she can’t carry this issue alone, that it is not her responsibility to rescue or save Kevin, that you will help her set healthy parameters on her relationships and that you also care for her friend.

We believe the family is foundational for individual health, growth and security. However, while parents should be the safest people to talk with about sexual struggles, this is not always the case. So while we believe, at some point, this young man will need to talk with his parents about his homosexual struggles, we don’t suggest you rush out and tell them—or anyone else. Your role in this disclosure depends on your relationship with Kevin and his family. Not all parents handle this situation well. You should ascertain first, by discussing with him whether his home situation is one of safety and security. Talk with him about how he thinks his parents will respond and about resources and help that are available if they don’t respond well.

Depending on your family and Kevin’s, you might reach out to involve him in some of your family activities, such as dinners, movie nights and game nights. Dad, in particular, should take the initiative here in connecting with Kevin. Our purpose in suggesting this is that your daughter’s relationship with him shouldn’t develop completely separate from and outside of your family. It’s fairly common for guys who struggle with same-sex attractions to connect emotionally with girls and women. Where they often need help is in building healthy, non-sexual relationships with other boys and men. Here are some suggestions for talking with your daughter:

Identity, meaning and purpose come from being created and redeemed by God, from being in His family.

If your family does engage Kevin in relationship, it’s important to communicate a few things:

As mentioned in the previous section, some teens may ask about the sexual behavior of homosexual-identified men and women. Of course, answering this question is up to your discretion, but we suggest not going into a lot of detail.

Keep it short and simple, but honest. Remind your kids that when a husband and wife unite sexually, they form a single reproductive unit; their bodies were made to fit together naturally. Same-sex couples can never form a reproductive whole. Homosexual activity is fundamentally different from a marital union.